THE GUT IS

A. That one part of your body that does some fancy stuff for your tummy and also produces 90% of the serotonin found in the brain.

 B. That thing inside ur stomach that tells you when to stop thinking and start doing. It is primal and raw and it takes that complicated “should I or shouldn’t I” and turns iT into “what the hell are you doing moron, you know what to do and you’re gonna do it now”.

In theory, it is a splendid device that guides us foolish humans to do the things we know we should, the things we really want, but never actually do.

The issue is that for some periods of your life, your gut gets a little confused.

For me, I trusted my gut until a couple years ago when it told me that someone would “rescue” me from my unique collection of neurosis driving me to near insanity.

Turns out, that’s not always how it works.

So now, years later, I have a hard time listening to the little guy inside me.

 I’ve been afraid to trust myself, my core, the part of me that is alive and present and awake.

So, that takes us to 4:19 AM last Tuesday when my gut said, “enough” and it decided to take my stomach, run it through a blender for a few hours, and then spit me out on the other side (and it decided I’m not aloud to sleep until I start dealing with my emotions (the deep down ones).

Still, the hyper analytical paranoid brain I have, put up a good fight.

But then my gut pulled the ultimate trump card, It just asked one simple question, “ If you ignore me forever, will you ever really be living ”?

So, I did what it wanted. I stopped thinking about what people think, about what I think, hell I just stopped thinking.

Unfortunately, sometimes moments pass and life goes on.

————

But I think this is a turning point for me

My brains been running the show for a few years and I think it’s time I give the gut a fair chance

I will undoubtedly make mistakes 

But what is my other option? 

Spending my life calculating each and every thing that I do until I’m so overwhelmed that I end up doing nothing?

It hasn’t worked out to great, so why not try something new?

(Made possible by a wholesome/wise Russian gal, an extremely bad bitch whom I love dearly, a very strange and beautiful activities coordinator, and the brother I never knew I needed, but who had been by my side for 6 years).

Update: There have been some complicated experiences since this post. However, I’ve got a lot more material for writing and the songs“daddy issues” and “after hours” will never, ever, ever, sound the same

 (And I’m not even mad)