2018

None of these words are 

Smart

Cool

Funny 

Poetic

So stop trying 

Your just gonna fail

And on that rare occasion when people like what you write

It will never be enough for you

Everybody thinks they’re special

Your just another snowflake

Arrogant and ignorant enough to think your ideas matter

all of this

Its weakness

Its sensitivity

Its selfish

Its fear

Why should anyone listen?

————————————————

2019

Woke up screaming for the third night in a row

Who was I gonna call?

Not many people you can vent to about ElectroConvulsive Therapy taking so much of your memory away that you forget your girlfriends name and have to ask your mom how old you are

So we go straight to the piano

I don’t know how to play as good as my friends

Ill play like shit and that will just be one more failure

If I try to learn anything new, I will fail at that, and I can’t handle that.

Just 

One more failure

One more failure

One more failure

—————————

2020

My head has been spinning all morning

I almost called

I was just too anxious (again)

All my friends are out living

And im here journaling

And its not even good

What happens if no one understands this

Does that mean im a failure?

How can I prove how well im doing with insightful writing with just enough dark humor to be edgy but not enough to make people worry

Oh

And in case you forget…..

(None of it matters anyways)

———————

2021

I am not easy to spend time with. I can’t go to concerts because it hurts my feet too much. I get nervous in crowded places. At times I second guess myself until the moment has passed and I’m sitting there wishing I had just done something. I am prone to melancholy and neurosis. I get afraid of people leaving me, so I leave them first (working on the number blocking thing al). If we sleep in the same bed, I will alternate between being a body contortionist to get the covers in just the right place, OR I will lay there staring at the ceiling till 4 AM (which really kills the romantic morning vibes because I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine in the morning when I can’t sleepily night). 

But

I am honest. 

I love (like fucking love) learning peoples stories. I want you to tell me the things you don’t tell anyone and I want to do the same for you.

I can say with 100% certainty that I am so far from boring that at times I have to bring it down a notch

I write and write and write and write and I PROUDLY write poems and stories and love notes and songs

I feel deeply (that one hasn’t changed)

I refuse to push things down. 

I refuse run from emotions

I will never stop working to grow and learn and create and KICK LIFE’S ASS

When I can get out of my head, I am “proficient” (didn’t realize that one till New Years, and don’t think I’ll ever forget)

I have stories that are genuinely more insane than anything I could make up (and somehow they just keep coming)

I took way longer than ALL my friends to learn to surf (but i never quit)

^and now I’m pretty decent

I will accept you as you just the way you are (trust me I have seen it all)

I am terrified  of basically everything

So every day,

I wake up and I DO IT ALL

Because I know what it’s like to be a slave to the fear and the darkness and the trauma and the anger

The thing I finally understand, 

Is that unbearable pain, breeds a special type of fire inside you

When you break so fully that you are forced to sit down in your own personal hell

You learn a lot about yourself.

I never thought I would live this long

And now that I’m here to stay

I’m making up for lost time

And I am still that chaotic, frantic, restless kid

The difference is

Now I’m proud of it.

————————

THANK YOU K FOR BEING MY SISTER/MOM/FRIEND/AUNT/AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN YOUR 1 OF A KIND!

YOU MATTER