I’m so far from where I want to be

I tear my mind apart the second I wake up

I don’t “hear voices” like I thought I did at 18

Nope, no voices

Just screaming racing rushing jumbled chaotic angry relentless vulgar bile

All sludgey and gross

And also sharp and jagged

And that’s just when I wake up

Why share this?

Why share anything?

Because

Well honestly

I don’t really know

This post is so far from beautifull

So far from concise

It’s not delicate and tasteful

It’s me

It’s a fucking mess

End it on a positive note today?

Okay

In positive news

I’ve been listening to Matt Maeson

“Legacy” and “mask”

Turns out,

Even the people I envy and admire

They are just as fucking crazy

It’s like with kat

She thought I was so dam cool

writing outside a coffee shop

Smoking and listening to music

And my photos of sano

Hahaha

I was writing (Probbably) about how meaningless life felt

I was smoking because I needed a sliver of the dopamine I saw others possessed.

I listen to music because then someone else is vulnerable and broken and for once it’s not me

I surf because If I don’t…

—————-

So what she saw

Was not what I felt

And maybe that’s how Matt feels

What I see as vulnerability and passion and raw intimacy and courage,

He just sees it as a way to pass the time without swallowing a hollow point

Point to this all?

What you see in me and what I feel inside are not the same

And what I see in you and what you feel inside

Those aren’t the same either

She doesn’t write all day because she’s got such a calm and tranquil headspace

He isn’t baked at 8 am because he’s really stoked about how his life turned out

And I don’t sit here every dam day and scream into a page because I’m really really fucking happy

So,

Don’t assume you know what’s going on with them

And then put yourself down because “your not as cool as they are”

Because what you idolize them for

Might just be what they have to do to survive

So,

I need to be kind

And stop letting obsessive self-deprecation

Keep me from saying hi

Or howdy

Or hello

Or how are you

Because 90% of what I see

Is just 10% of what they feel

PS: YEP MY WRITING REALLY IS THIS BAD