I am not a big cryer. In fact, I often find it difficult to cry. But today I watched a video of rock lee from Naruto and I began to feels tears well up. They fell down my face as I sat there speechless. I think this is because I see myself inside of lee and his journey. this is what came through my mind. 

I will sweat in this heat until the suffering gives way to clarity. I will stay in this freezing barrel until the fear is cleansed from me. I was not given the talent that he has. Not given the clarity that he has. Not given the peace of mind he has. not given the unshakable confidence that I am absolutely correct about it all. As a child my body was taken from me. I woke up from the first operation and felt a pain that has stayed with me ever since. I woke up a different person. I was broken. over and over I was broken. I was torn apart again and again and I was grinded into fucking dust. I suffered pain that felt unbearable, and it tore my mind apart. 

Through it allI was given one thing and one thing only. I was given the gift of suffering without a way out. This pain taught me to survive. To survive when it feels so dam impossible. When everything Inside you is screaming for you to end it all. When it feels like ten more seconds of the pain will irreparably shatter you. Without any other option but to survive. I learned that each second is survivable. This lesson was not one that I sought out, it was one that I was made to learn so I could survive. 

I was born like Lee. he grew up watching people have unimaginable talent, that he soon learned he could never posses. people with skill that he could never hope to attain. he had nothing but his capacity to endure horrific pain and still survive. this is my strength. I chose to begin using it. I chose to give every ounce of myself this this thing, so that in time I will know the shadow well enough to stop fighting it, and to begin helping the less fortunate and leave this dumpster fire better than when I found it.